What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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