there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
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You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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