Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
