That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
