sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
