My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
