I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
