Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
