I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
