i jhust puked up my retainher.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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