he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
