I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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