My underwear smells like fireworks.
only you would photoshop your dick
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
