I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
