Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
