I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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