My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
