I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
