he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
