I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am spending my child support on dildos
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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