I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
