I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I puked a lego.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
