I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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