Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
