I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
did i just pee glitter
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
