are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
