Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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