On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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