Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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