had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
