so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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