Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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