meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
