I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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