I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
