Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
