apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
