If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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