I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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