Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
