I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
