Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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