I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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