Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
