I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
