i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
