Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
