Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
