apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
