I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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