now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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