I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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