Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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