Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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