I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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