dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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