I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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