My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
