Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
