No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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