Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
