farters have to be the big spoon...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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