They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
