this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
